I took pure MDMA last weekend at my first EDM concert, and I feel compelled to share my experience. This was my first time taking any type of non natural drug. My account only addresses a 100% pure MDMA experience.
It’s been 2 days since the experience, and I still feel so vulnerable, so impacted by the terrifying amount of pleasure that the drug brought me. I simply need to get it out, so this is mostly just for me. However, if any of you would like to discuss your own experiences, I would love to hear other detailed accounts.
I figured there were two ways to explain the experience: first hand, and analytically. I really didn’t know which one would be better, so I just did both. I still fear that both fall woefully short of actually experiencing it. This endeavor has made it painfully clear that I have a long way to go with my writing. However, I still want to post it and give others the chance to try to see the experience through my eyes.
If you were to rate the most extreme emotions of the human experience on a scale from 1 to 10, 10’s would be reactions to extreme (possibly once in a lifetime) situations. Everyone will have their own example of what these might be. I think of realizing lifelong goals, having a child, and making love to the love of your life for the first time.
The emotions from situations like these are, in general, the cap of the human experience. That’s simply as good as it gets.
Now, picture one of those hammer attractions at the fair – the one where you hammer the lever and send the weight up to the bell. The measurement notches don’t have numbers. Instead they have those top experiences. MDMA is the hit that blows the bell off the post, and shoots the weight off into the sky. MDMA is a 20 on the scale of 1-10.
It takes you beyond the realm of natural human experience because, physically, there will likely never be that much serotonin or dopamine released into your brain other than through MDMA (or other drugs of similar effect). Every feeling that is a result of dopamine and serotonin gets amplified until those feelings block out any feelings that aren’t. There is no worry, anger, frustration, or restraint – only an overwhelming desire to make human connections, whether physical or emotional.
The effects of MDMA can be separated into two categories, sensory and emotional. A few senses will likely command more of your attention than others – at least they did for me.
Touch was the most imposing.
It was the only time in my life that my sight and hearing took a back seat in the job of interpreting the world.
Every inch of my skin became a receptacle for pleasure. My clothes massaged me, and the other jostling bodies in the crowd felt like they were making love to me. That’s NOT an exaggeration. If you really want to understand what the experience was like, you need to try and imagine what that would feel like. I do not mean it in a sexual way.
Guys, think of the moment just before you penetrate a woman. Think of the heat, the anticipation, and the tautness throughout your body. That’s what it was for me, on every inch of of my skin. Yet, it wasn’t sexual. It was altruistic and light and open-minded; it was pure and innocent.
With touch so pronounced, and the feelings of altruism, appreciation, and optimism driving my thoughts, I became rather disinterested in the show. I only want to talk with people, and touch and be touched (again not sexually). I wanted to share my experience with others, and meet others that could identify with what I was going through.
First hand account:
The serotonin and dopamine were stampeding like an army of horses through every vein in my body. Yellow and orange like the sun, liquid and bubbling like lava, my soul was on fire. I was unprepared, and it disoriented me. I was surrounded by thousands of people, and the music blasted, forcing conversation to only take place an inch away from each others’ ears.
“Oh my god” resounded in my head as my eyes widened and I felt fear that I’d taken too much. I glanced at Austin to the left of me and wondered if he felt what I felt. Was that even possible? Light and sound and touch, oh touch; they raptured my world. Goosebumps covered my skin. I felt as if I’d grabbed onto a rocket. As it took me up and up, I realized that there was no turning back. I would have to succumb to it, completely. I wrestled with my anxiety and beat it. This was not my first rodeo, only my first encounter with this particular bull.
Austin, I feel incredible. I wanted him to know. But I was painfully aware of the adjective’s inadequacy. Oh my god resounded in my head again as I continued upwards. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god! He turned to look at me and I saw that he was close to where I was, but not there yet.
We exchanged words and I tried to share what I was feeling, but everything fell so short. I realized that the only way he could know was by feeling it too. The urge to talk passed like a breath and I watched the show. Yet I wasn’t watching. I wasn’t listening. I was feeling. It was the only time in my life that my eyes and ears stepped back and let touch take the reins. Every touch was pure bliss. It was as if every inch of my skin had been transformed into a receptacle for pleasure.
Love was my only emotion. The need to give love and receive it became all encompassing, and I asked the girl next to me to hold my hand.
She looked at me as a mother would look at a baby that had just come into the world. She knew that it was my first time, and obviously found it incredibly endearing. She grabbed me and her hand felt like everything good in the universe. I looked at her hand and reveled in the stampede of electric pleasure that scurried up my arm and down my spine. It felt like her soul had crawled through and melded with my own. The connection was so deep. Making love paled in comparison. That is a connection that sits in my heart and pervades my thoughts. In that moment, I loved that woman more than anything else that had ever existed, and she reciprocated it. That brief embrace shattered my whole world, and I could ask for nothing more.
I don’t remember why, but at some point, I was no longer holding her hand. I only remember telling Austin that I needed to go explore – I don’t even remember why. I wanted him to come but was nonplussed when he preferred to stay. The rest of the night is a bit of a blur. I talked with some people, and I sat down with a younger guy crisscross-applesauce in the middle of the field. I bought water and shared it with strangers. I offered it to some, and the offer was ill-received because I’d already drank from the bottle.
The come down was unpleasant, and I won’t be going over that here. Plus, I’m tired of writing about this stuff for now.