Individuals are frequently surprised to find out that I, Brian Phillips, delight in investing time with stars in glamorous circumstances and environments.
My response is always the same.
Case in point: Last night I went to a screening of the new X-Files series at The London, an exclusive Hollywood hotel. There are a lot of different sizes of individuals in the world, and that guy is one of the typical ones.
Later, there were cocktails.
Say what you will about Hollywood, but it was an interesting experience. My serious-writer brain was fully engaged with learning about things like the meaning of America and also what is up with Mulder and Scully nowadays. In the most essential and deepest sense, I understand both, now. I would enjoy to share this understanding with you. Nevertheless, I can not. Because of spoilers. Ever since George R.R. Martin let slip to me in confidence that Tyrion murders Daenerys at the end of the last book, I have actually been horrified of accidentally exposing a major spoiler on the Internet. The PR flack who welcomed me to the screening room discussed that she would “fucking cut [me]” if I “breathe[d] a word about any of this, you [extremely handsome man].”
Like I said, I like hanging out with celebs.
What I can tell you is what does not occur in the brand-new X-Files. So much stuff does not take place! 1
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9. It does not, at any point, take place that Assistant FBI Director Walter Skinner joins Kickstarter to look for financing for his” elegantly bound novelization” of Infocom’s Leather Goddesses of Phobos.
10 The word” copyleft”– that does not get thrown around a lot.
11. Jonathan, who is not making churros, does not tell Scully that “it’s about the cinnamon” and then gasp, “I’ve said excessive,” and then get shot in the head by a sniper from Venus.
12 Mulder and Scully do not then stumble upon a strange low white structure in the middle of a cinnamon field where blank-faced workers in white hazmat fits kind of look like they’re processing cinnamon however likewise type of seem like they’re doing something else.
13 Deep Throat does not return from the dead and cry, “Surprise, buddies! It’s me, Deep Throat!”
14 There is never a day, in the entire timeline of the new series, when the members of the conspiracy openly confess that they would make a shitty water polo team.
16 The camera does not slowly focus on the cancer-eating mutant, Leonard Betts, as he takes a long, luxuriant lick of a Friendly’s ice cream cone, then continue to zoom in, closer and better, all the method into his mad, dead eyes, as he murmurs, “This tastes gross.”
18 Mulder does not toss a football through a tire swing in extreme slow movement while a gravelly, no-nonsense male narration breaks down his mechanics.
19 I don’t wish to get extremely specific about how Scully’s Java classes are going, however suffice it to state that she isn’t taking any.
21 ” Screw UFOs,” the Smoking Man does not state on a speedboat. He really does not sweep his fingers through his hair and cry, “I have leonine hairs!”
22 Scully does not text her buddy Allison that the Cigarette Smoking Guy is “kind of a fuckboy tbqh.”
23 Fine, let’s discuss vaping. I shouldn’t, however I understand you have concerns. I’m not stating Smezznor, the alien overlord of the Galaxy developed when Samantha Mulder’s genes were entwined into Alex Krycek, does not vape. I am saying that Smezznor the compulsively vaping galaxy-king is a stupid concept and that he does not exist.
24 The cinnamon-conspiracy trail does not lead Mulder and Scully to a bombed-out mosque in Tangier, where Mulder does not take a break from the investigation to loudly rap all the verses to Huge Sean’s “ Dance (A$$)“
25 Numerous fans of the show are wondering what ended up being of precious X-Files pillar Peggy Little, Skinner’s long-suffering secretary. I’m kidding. In fact no one is questioning that, due to the fact that there is no such character.
27 If Scully dates a Muppet– I’m saying if here– and if that Muppet is Dr. Teeth, their 3rd date is not to the global aikido championships.
28 Alfred Hitchcock directs no episodes (Alfred Hitchcock is dead).
29 Nobody, consisting of Luther Lee Boggs, the serial killer who scared Scully in the timeless episode “Beyond the Sea,” provides Scully some trays as a present.
30 Mulder’s book club does not read The Time Tourist’s Partner— or if it does, Mulder does not finish the book.
31 Did you understand that Grantland has interns? We do, and they’re doing a wonderful job. Hi, people! Simply not great enough for any of them to appear in The X-Files
32 Likewise, your own mommy does not represent former FBI Special Representative Dana Scully, the co-protagonist of the series. Unless your mom is Gillian Anderson … in which case, not to give anything away, however you might want to tune in for the premiere.
33 ” Uber, but for extraterrestrial invasions,” Mulder does not tweet, biting his own fist in humiliation.
34 Actually no subplots include a mission to discover a new trip bus for Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks
35 The following exchange does not occur, at all:
MULDER: Here we remain in Las Vegas, Scully.
SCULLY: Hahaha kinda looks like Vancouver, though?
MULDER: No, Scully, this is Las Vegas, Nevada, where we have actually sojourned to fix an X-File.
SCULLY: I’m just saying, are there supposed to be, like, towering pine trees in Las Vegas?
SCULLY: It’s just I don’t normally think about “hushed forest majesty” when I think about Vegas.
MULDER: Why do you always ruin it, Scully.
36 Mulder never once introduces himself as “Fox Mulder, inveterate interpreter of beings and their methods.”
37 Seventeen minutes of the 3rd episode of the new series are not dedicated to fixed footage of the tray aisle at Target.
38 The Well-Manicured Man does not present his two new conspiracy friends, the Orders Costly Basketball Sneakers On eBay Man and Josh Who Is Still Into Normcore.
39 Nobody swims 1,100 miles in freezing water simply to punch a whale. That’s not what this program is about.
40 The following exchange also does not happen:
SCULLY: Well, Mulder, it does not take a semanticist to see that the basic stress in progressive online discourse is that its commitment to the sanctity of individual personhood includes putting an ever-increasing stress on all the methods in which that sanctity can be broken … the issue is that we reside in a minute in which a heightened sense of the value of the individual threatens to produce a likewise heightened sense of the individual’s essential weakness.
MULDER: I hate to disagree with you, Scully, but the problem is magic tarantulas.
41 Mulder does not conclude a long reading of his memoirs by saying, “Which, my good friends, was how I initially logged into Remodelista.”
42 Mulder and Scully do not disrupt sex in order to high-five after among them drops an “uh-oh, now the reality remains in there” joke.
43 Mulder and Scully do not spend 3 hours Gchatting about whether “Balerion the Black Fear” is an excellent name for a dragon, a super-clichéd name for a dragon, or weirdly kind of both.
44 The reanimated remains of Deep Throat does not say, “Pals, I have a hankering for something and something only, and that thing is A.M. Crunchwraps.”
45 In Antarctica, where they have at last found the secret military installation where the alien-genome-spliced cinnamon is being harvested– cinnamon that can not be handled for more than a few seconds without causing death to non-mutated or “pre-transcendent” human beings– Mulder and Scully do not realize with installing anguish that the world is doomed due to the fact that they have no way to carry the cinnamon to the laboratory where it can be damaged, due to the fact that Scully was going to get some new trays but, whoops, looks like somebody forgot.
46 Mulder does not audition for, and does not win, the function of Mrs. Fairfax in a neighborhood theater adaptation of Jane Eyre
47 ” It was a throbbing night on Phobos, and the fucktrees foamed in the starlight,” is how Walter Skinner’s Kickstarter book definitely does not begin.
48 Samantha Mulder does not return from a longer-than-expected journey to the shop and say, “Wait, you believed I what?”
49 ” I’m changing the name to Location 52,” the First Senior decreases to proclaim, including: “It’s time to bump this alien action up a notch.”
50 The conspiracy does not begin to make sense.